Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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