Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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