You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
