I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
