It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
