i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
COCAINE IS GR8
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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