Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
