Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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