I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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