If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
BRING THE BAGELS
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
