Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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