I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
