Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you inspire me to be a worse person
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
