My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
tequila makes me forget i have legs
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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