You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
