the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize