Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
