i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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