I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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