his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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