the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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