it's too hot outside to masturbate.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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