i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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