If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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