Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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