I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
