Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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