he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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