Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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