Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
