Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
