Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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