I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
