Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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