based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
