He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
you never un-have a 4some
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
