I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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