Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
