i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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