Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
