a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize