I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
