Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
