I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
