I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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