I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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