I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
