Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
