he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
