Your dad touched me again.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
what the fuck happened to the tacos
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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