I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
