the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
