I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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