Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Randomize
