who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
