"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
