I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
