Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize