Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
