Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
