Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
