She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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