My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's shark week go big or go home
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
