My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
