I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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