I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize