I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
