I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
they're like a gay fantastic four
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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