hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
