My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
